Originally posted 14/09/2013
I’m finding this post really hard to write. Not in an emotional ‘I can’t see the screen for the tears’ way, I just mean that it’s difficult to put into words how I felt about coming out as trans to my parents. I’ve always had a really amazing relationship with my parents, so I was never in the position that some people find themsleves in where discommunication is a very real possibility. I always knew they’d stick by me, and that they’d be there for me no matter what. But there were several aspects at play; firstly, I was about to tell them something that would in the short term make shock and upset them. I hate making people unhappy, especially those that I love, and my head was filled with epic scenes of me tearing happy future events away from them; no wedding, no grandchild, no visits with a young chaotic family in tow.
Secondly, there was the admission, to a couple who had put my and my brother’s happiness front and centre for so many years, that I’d been unhappy for a long, long time, and had kept these feelings from them from an early age. I think ultimately that was the hardest part of this for them to process. Someone close to you telling you that all the time you thought they were merrily getting on with their life, they were really sinking deeper into depression under the weight of a closely held secret, must surely be hard to understand and highly upsetting. All the happy memories and images of a happy childhood could’ve been tainted forever, seen from a fresh perspective with washes of darkness across them. I have to make it clear to you, the reader, just as I did to them: my childhood was happy, and it was the best I could’ve ever had with this ‘condition’.
Anyway, on to the big reveal. I’ll be honest, I was terrified. I’d just split up from my long term girlfriend, I’d come out to friends, and I couldn’t see any other way around the situation other than being honest. My dad had already picked up during phone conversations that something wasn’t right, and was trying to figure out what he’d done to upset me (obviously nothing) and I was finding it really hard to continue lying. But the thought of standing in front of them and saying the words was just too much for me, so I took the cowards way out and did it by email. Not even a hand written letter on fancy paper; an email. I’ve dug it out for those that are interested and can be bothered reading lots:
Dear Mum and Dad,
This is a very hard email to write. I had hoped never to have to go through this but I am so I need you to know the truth. Before I start, I want you to read this and think about it, and then respond by email. You will be both shocked and upset, but I feel awful right now and I don’t want to talk to anyone. I’m so sorry for what you will go through over this, I feel like I am letting everyone down. Nothing I am about to tell you is in any way the fault of anyone else, especially not you.
My life hasn’t been very easy up until now, because I have always suffered from gender dysphoria. I’ve struggled with it for many years, since childhood, and have tried to suppress it, but the last couple of years have been unbearable and I can’t continue as I am. I’ve been to counselling, spent nearly a year on antidepressants and none of it has made any difference. It has taken me years to come to terms with it, and I’ve felt huge amounts of guilt, self hatred and anxiety in the process.
This Thursday just gone, I had an appointment with a psychiatrist, who my doctor wanted me to see. He has written a letter recommending a referral to the Gender Identity Clinic in Leeds. Should funding be approved, I will begin seeing therapists there with a possible/likely course of action being a transition to living as a female. I realise that this seems like a drastic option but I’ve had a long time to think about this, and failure to act and work towards becoming a better ‘me’ would only lead to further depression and quite possibly, no ‘me’ at all. Being male doesn’t feel right to me in any way anymore, and although I know this path will be difficult and stressful, I hope to be happier at the end of it.
With regard to me and ****, we are no longer going to be a couple. We had some problems besides this and we both recognise that it is the right way to go. We still love each other, and will be best friends for life. Obviously this is adding to my upset at the moment as we re-adjust, but **** will be there for me all the way through this, which I am very grateful for. She’s an amazing person and I’ll always love her, but I can’t be the person that she deserves, and it would be a huge mistake to carry on blindly into marriage and children, knowing that my issues wouldn’t go away.
To answer some of the first questions you will likely have:
1. No I am not gay. I am only attracted to women.
2. I will still be the same person, just a different gender. I will still like all the things I currently do, and will still be the person you love.
3. I have told (besides ****) ****, **** and ****, who have all been extremely supportive and accepting. I have also told ****, my colleague at work. (Section removed) and so we have been helping each other work through our issues. She is also extremely supportive.
4. I haven’t told work yet. The law is on my side here but I don’t think it will come to that; I work for genuine people in an industry that’s accepting of ‘alternative’ people. Obviously I am still nervous about telling them, but I do not expect this to harm my career.
5. I never wanted this, and I never asked for it, it’s just the way I am and I have to accept it in order to be happy.
6. This really won’t happen overnight, it will take years. The NHS process is slow and full of safeguards to protect people from making irreversible changes before they are ready.
I hope that in time you can come to understand this. I know you will be upset but I also know that you’ll always love me and be there for me. This will be a slow process and I will need as much help and support as possible. I’ve included some links below that may help you in coming to terms with this. Again, please don’t call me, I can’t cope with talking about this right now. I’d be much happier if you took the time to gather your thoughts and reply by email. Once we all feel ready I will come and see you and we can talk about everything in more detail.
You have always been wonderful parents to me, and I love you both with all my heart. I hope you can accept me for who I am and we can continue to have the close relationship we currently have. I am so sorry for any distress that I cause you both, and I wouldn’t put you through this unless it was absolutely necessary.
I would appreciate it if you let me talk to (brother) and (brother’s girlfriend) myself.
Your loving son,
*****.
http://www.tsfaq.info/
http://www.nhs.uk/Livewell/Transhealth/Pages/Transoverview.aspx
http://www.avitale.com/
I clicked send, which took a s**tload of willpower, and sat waiting for the fallout. Nothing happened. I stared at my inbox for a good few hours and still nothing. Turns out they’d gone out for the evening, and this is what you get when you expect an urgent reply to an email. Anyway, around midnight, the phone rang a couple of times. I didn’t answer, I couldn’t answer. Then, shortly afterwards, came the reply:
Dear *****,
We have only just seen your E Mail as we have been out, and we are so sorry to leave you so long without an answer. We will naturally take some time to absorb this, But we can assure you of one thing, and that is our unconditional love. We have sensed for a while that something has not been quite right, but wish that you had shared this burden with us much earlier. We will talk whenever you like and will always be there for you because we love you and want you to be happy.
Love,
Mum and Dad xx
The emails went back and forth into the early hours, and that weekend I went to see them to talk to them face to face. Emotionally it was completely draining, but the result was as good as I could’ve hoped for; parents who accept me for who I am. It felt like a weight being lifted. That one thing that I’d kept hidden for so long, finally out in the open.
A Circular Square 